coming out of the closet.

by @according2kelly on June 15, 2010

so… let’s start by acknowledging the elephant in the room. i’m going to do it quick & to the point – just like you would rip off a band aid.

hi, my name is kelly & i have postpartum depression.

if i had to venture a guess, i’m betting my big announcement doesn’t surprise anyone at all. in fact, you all probably saw it coming. but after 1 year, 1 month & 13 days, i figured it’s time i came out of the closet.

i’ve never claimed to be super-mom. & i’m the first to admit that i’m far from perfect. but once upon a time, i at least felt like i had life figured out. these days, ppd has definitely thrown a wrench in the well-oiled-machine, i once called my life… sending me into an out-of-control, downward spiral.

over the past year i have dug myself a hole so deep, sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever be able to climb back out. having a baby is supposed to be a joyous occasion… & it was.  it’s just the aftermath, i’m not so sure about. when i think about it, it’s actually kind of funny – i’m surrounded by the chaos of three young children every single day & yet i’ve never felt so alone. for the past year i’ve watched life happen as an observer, instead of an active participant. slowly but surely, i’ve managed to shut everyone out, & burn every bridge along the way. activities i used to love, hobbies i used to look forward to, now just seem like a burden. not to mention, these days i find myself totally & completely unmotivated, out-of-touch, & overwhelmed… i dread getting out of bed in the morning, & am constantly feeling like life has given up on me, or maybe i’m the one who has given up on life.

i’ve been living life in a deep, dark tunnel, constantly trying to reach that itty bitty light i see peeping through. the drugs have helped a bit (prescribed of course), taking the edge off & making the light a wee bit more obtainable. running has helped more. but, hopefully opening up, putting it all out there, & wearing my heart on my sleeve will be that final dose of reality i need. i’m slowly learning – i can’t do this on my own. over the past year i’ve managed to build a fortress around myself, an incredible thing that rivals the great wall of china. i can’t expect it to come down overnight can i? but, with a little help from my friends, perhaps this fortress of mine will come tumbling down.

wow. i’m feeling better already. let the healing begin.

image via anne taintor

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