so… let’s start by acknowledging the elephant in the room. i’m going to do it quick & to the point – just like you would rip off a band aid. 
hi, my name is kelly & i have postpartum depression.
if i had to venture a guess, i’m betting my big announcement doesn’t surprise anyone at all. in fact, you all probably saw it coming. but after 1 year, 1 month & 13 days, i figured it’s time i came out of the closet.
i’ve never claimed to be super-mom. & i’m the first to admit that i’m far from perfect. but once upon a time, i at least felt like i had life figured out. these days, ppd has definitely thrown a wrench in the well-oiled-machine, i once called my life… sending me into an out-of-control, downward spiral.
over the past year i have dug myself a hole so deep, sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever be able to climb back out. having a baby is supposed to be a joyous occasion… & it was. it’s just the aftermath, i’m not so sure about. when i think about it, it’s actually kind of funny – i’m surrounded by the chaos of three young children every single day & yet i’ve never felt so alone. for the past year i’ve watched life happen as an observer, instead of an active participant. slowly but surely, i’ve managed to shut everyone out, & burn every bridge along the way. activities i used to love, hobbies i used to look forward to, now just seem like a burden. not to mention, these days i find myself totally & completely unmotivated, out-of-touch, & overwhelmed… i dread getting out of bed in the morning, & am constantly feeling like life has given up on me, or maybe i’m the one who has given up on life.
i’ve been living life in a deep, dark tunnel, constantly trying to reach that itty bitty light i see peeping through. the drugs have helped a bit (prescribed of course), taking the edge off & making the light a wee bit more obtainable. running has helped more. but, hopefully opening up, putting it all out there, & wearing my heart on my sleeve will be that final dose of reality i need. i’m slowly learning – i can’t do this on my own. over the past year i’ve managed to build a fortress around myself, an incredible thing that rivals the great wall of china. i can’t expect it to come down overnight can i? but, with a little help from my friends, perhaps this fortress of mine will come tumbling down.
wow. i’m feeling better already. let the healing begin.
image via anne taintor
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I had depression after my second child was born. It was really bad. I hated my life, my husband, my daughter, and my (at the time) new baby boy. I didn’t know what to do, who to talk to. I thought nobody would understand how I felt inside. It wasn’t until I had fully surrendered to God and fully gave my depression to him, and let him be the one to take it from me, that he delivered me of it. I know you know what ppdt feels like, so I don’t have to try to explain that to you. But to have God’s Love and Joy surround you and inside of you is so much more that words can explain. God can take this away, he can heal the wounds, IF you let him. Revelation 3:20 says, “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup (eat)with him, and he with me. (Here’s what it means – 3:20 I stand at the door, and knock – Even at this instant; while he is speaking this word. If any man open – Willingly receive me. I will sup with him – Refreshing him with my graces and gifts, and delighting myself in what I have given. And he with me – In life everlasting.) If you let Jesus into your heart, he can set you free from the chains of this world. You don’t have to deal with ppd. I hope and pray that this helps you. And I will be praying for you.
I just came upon this post…WOW thanks for your honesty. The way you have described PPD is amazingly accurate. I wish I could just sit down and chat with you regarding what us women are going through. I too have struggled with this. Somedays are not bad and other days I think I am going to loose my mind. Thank you a million and to the other ladies who have commented.
Twitter: jennyjenk
December 1, 2010 at 9:58 pm
I am dealing with PPD as well. Something about the third child that just really knocks a Mommy on her ass…
I’ve been taking Prozac since Scarlett was 6 weeks old. With my parents splitting up, the stress of working, being a mother of three, and my hormonal issues I just couldn’t handle life anymore. I’ve basically been living day to day, and it certainly has not been easy. But hang in there sister- you and I can be in this together, for we already have the same Doctor!
Jennifer K´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday – Today
Wow – what a great story I have just read. Whilst not diagnosed with depression I have struggled particularly over the last year namely this last winter (I’m in Australia). I am under the guidance of a naturopath and like you I have started running again. These two things have helped hugely and for the first time in years I feel see the light at the end of the tunnel opening up and getting bigger. I have also begun being kind to myself which is much easier said that done! I have four children (all born within four and a half years! so yes I feel your pain) and quite honestly since I have become open and honest about struggling through some days I have discovered that many more are becoming open and honest. I am sick to death of ‘sugar coated mums’ – mothers who constantly feel the need to inform everyone how great their life is ALL the time – rubbish I say.
Keep up your great work. I find it incredibly refreshing to find an honest mother out there. Who knows the impact you have made on women who are feeling exactly what you have been feeling but not felt ‘safe’ to come out and declare their depression. If you have helped one mum go and get help for herself then you have done a wonderful job.
To quote one magnet on my fridge – “The first 40 years of parenthood is always the hardest!”
I’ll be sure to call back again and read your posts.
Twitter: decondemand
November 18, 2011 at 5:29 am
Just talking about it, I am sure helped.
Wow…thanks for sharing this with us. Although I didn’t experience postpartum depression I do remember how horrible I felt after my Rachel was born. I felt like a horrible mother who couldn’t take care of my child (I wasn’t able to breastfeed, which turned out to be quite a blow to the whole motherhood ego thing). I’ve fought depression for years and understand where you’re coming from. Thanks again for sharing and have a happy SITS day.
Twitter: TheFoodnatic
November 18, 2011 at 6:39 am
So I am not the only one that had PPD past my son being 6 months old… That’s a relief. I’ll bet I can’t offer you any advice that you haven’t heard already…and I surely couldn’t be the one to give any. I have such incredible swings of emotion in one day still that I sometimes feel certifiable…. But every night before I lay my head on my pillow I pray… And my husband and I pray together (family prayer) and all my woes, anger, frustration, doubt, self-loathing, fear and thanks are given over to the Lord. I keep reminding myself that things aren’t as bad as they could be for the simple reality that I still FEEL. All the emotions I go through are pretty tumultuous in a 24 hour peroid…but I still have a conscience…I still love…I still get angry…I still get excited. I’m REALLY gonna worry when THAT goes away. When I stop feeling and life is in “gray scale” I’ll know there is no hope left. But I don’t believe that will happen…not for you…not for me. We are surrounded by people who love us. Sometimes we don’t believe it, sometimes we feel like we don’t deserve it…but we have family and friends here with us to remind us we’re worth it, we’re alive and there’s a brand new tomorrow. All that being said…I’m pretty dang pessimistic, so sometimes it takes me my whole 18 hours of awake time to remember all of this…so, give yourself a break when you forget. Always, always remember Christ was the only perfect person that ever existed…we’re perfected through Him but not until we’re DEAD. Lol…so cut yourself some slack cause you REALLY are doing the best you can. And that’s all we’re asked in this life. =) Hugs to you…
Twitter: fomskyjobo
November 18, 2011 at 8:13 am
Oh my God, it’s like you were speaking about me! This post really touched my heart because over the last few months. I found out I was pregnant with my third child: it was a big shock and I was really depressed for a while. I just wanted to be left alone.
And I know what it means not to be supermom: I feel so inadequate a lot of times ans I make mistakes with my kids.
From your later posts, I assume you’re much better now (like I am too) and I’m glad for your healing! Hugs!
Twitter: SuburbanLifeJo
November 18, 2011 at 10:14 am
I had it temporarily after my daughter was born. I didn’t feel much like earing and lost weight too fast. I know that sounds good but it had an effect on my millk production and I ended up having to supplement my daughter. Then I felt like a failure because of that. It’s a snowball effect. Glad you are getting treatment. I think exercise is really good for that as well so keep that up. Happy SITS day!
Twitter: VenusLeeloo
November 18, 2011 at 12:29 pm
Thanks so much for speaking openly about PPD! I think it helps both those people who are experiencing, and those who aren’t so they can understand. This was written a while back, so I’m hoping that the healing that started the day you wrote this has continued.
All my best, happy SITS day!
Twitter: kg_photography
November 18, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Thanks for this post – it resonated with me, because my cousin is going through something and I wonder if it’s PPD. As a non-parent, there are so many things mom’s experience that I never will and I appreciate all of the sharing that you do.
Hi there! Just saw that you were the FB at SITS and came by to say hello. Just now finding out that you dealt with PPD and wondering if blogging about it helped with healing? Hope you’ve had a good week.
Happy SITS Day and thanks for writing this! I just had my 2nd child about 8 months ago and I’m struggling with ppd myself…
I just read this post, and it just feels so good to me, that I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’ve felt so alone, when there are so many people around. I just can’t understand it. I feel as if every obstacle I try to over come, that there’s just not enough time to over come it. I was so happy to have my son and he is wonderful and healthy. (which is a blessing) Yet I feel like maybe all of me just wasn’t ready for this. I hope someday I get all of me back because I was once a very bubbly, outgoing, happy-go-lucky lady. Now I feel like I’m lost inside myself; like I’m just visiting my life.
Twitter: according2kelly
December 6, 2011 at 12:47 pm
you are not alone. & it WILL get better, i promise!
Thank you so much for this post! It makes me feel less alone! I am going through this right now and its hard..hard for others to understand and hard for me to understand..I want to get through it and I suppose that is a step in the right direction..
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