& the answer is always the same , a resounding “no.”
i didn’t choose to be a runner.
to be perfectly honest, i think very few people actually choose to be runners.
we’re talking pre-dawn runs, ice baths, the constant aroma of bengay, blackened toenails (& a few that were lost all together). a diet of energy bars, gels and goos. the oddest tan lines you’ve ever seen, thanks to the KT Tape i wear around my knees.
these are the sort of things that happen when you are a runner.
no, running chose ME.
why i run…
looking back, i’ve ran for different reasons, at different points in my life.
i’ve ran to mend a broken heart. to clear my head. to escape and to feel in control. after my father passed away, i ran to feel connected to him, to remember him… to be with him.
but most recently, i run to combat post-partum depression, i run to survive, i run because it’s cheaper than therapy.
i’ve never claimed to be super-mom. i’m the first to admit that i’m far from perfect. but, once upon a time, i at least felt like i had life figured out.
since then, ppd has thrown a wrench in the well-oiled-machine i once called my life – sending me into an out-of-control, downward spiral. leaving me trapped in a hole so deep, sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever be able to climb back out.
having babies is supposed to be a joyous occasion and… it was. it’s just the aftermath, i’m not so sure about.
when i think about it, it’s actually kind of funny. i’m surrounded by the chaos of three young children every single day & yet sometime i’ve never felt so alone.
for the past few years i’ve watched life happen as an observer, instead of an active participant. slowly but surely, i’ve managed to shut everyone out, and burn every bridge along the way. activities i used to love, hobbies i used to look forward to, now just seem like a burden.
not to mention, i now find myself totally and completely unmotivated, out-of-touch, & overwhelmed… i dread getting out of bed in the morning. i am constantly feeling like life has given up on me, or maybe i’m the one who has given up on life.
i’ve been living life in a deep, dark tunnel, constantly trying to reach that itty bitty light i see peeping through. the drugs have helped a bit (prescribed of course), taking the edge off, and making the light a wee bit more obtainable. but running has helped me more. running is the one thing i look forward to each & every day. it’s helped me reach out & actually grab that pin prick of light at the end of the tunnel.
without even noticing, i’ve managed to build a fortress around myself, an incredible thing that rivals the great wall of china. i can’t expect it to come down overnight can i? but, with a little help from my friends & a whole lot of running, this fortress of mine has slowly started tumbling down.
that is why I run… because it has the ability to break down walls & build bridges.