to be honest, i’m not sure where the seed was originally planted, but slowly & surely, it’s crept like a weed into all aspects & areas of my life.
these days i find myself doubting, questioning & often times demoralizing myself.
& my only means of coping, is to do what i always do – shut down, push away, & build walls.
often times i feel so alone, so lonely.
& even though i realize that it’s completely self-imposed, i can’t seem to find my way out of this hole i seem to have dug myself in.
i feel like i’m slowly dying, from the inside out.
& yet, everyday i put a smile on my face, pretend that i’m okay, that all is well, & that “i’m fine.”
logically speaking, in my mind, i know that all this is crazy… that i am good enough.
but that doesn’t change the way i feel.
knowing & feeling are two totally & completely things.
even though i know that i am loved.
even though i know that i am good enough.
i don’t necessarily feel those things.
i’ve been here before.
& i don’t like this person i am becoming.
& yet, i seem unable to wake myself from this nightmare.
it’s like i’m on the outside, watching life pass me by.
i know i should be participating – but it’s just too hard, & it hurts too much.
i’m scared. i just want someone to hold me, to tell me everything will be okay.
but when you push everyone away, when you make it hard for anyone to love you – there’s usually no one left.
so this is me – tying a knot, hanging on & holding tight, because i know the sun is going to come out tomorrow, or at least i hope it will.