not good enough.

by @according2kelly on October 9, 2012

when-you-reach-the-end-of-your-ropelately i’ve been overwhelmed with a feeling of being “not good enough.”

to be honest, i’m not sure where the seed was originally planted, but slowly & surely, it’s crept like a weed into all aspects & areas of my life.

these days i find myself doubting, questioning & often times demoralizing myself.

& my only means of coping, is to do what i always do – shut down, push away, & build walls.

often times i feel so alone, so lonely.

& even though i realize that it’s completely self-imposed, i can’t seem to find my way out of this hole i seem to have dug myself in.

i feel like i’m slowly dying, from the inside out.

& yet, everyday i put a smile on my face, pretend that i’m okay, that all is well, & that “i’m fine.”

if-youre-going-through-hell-keep-going

logically speaking, in my mind, i know that all this is crazy… that i am good enough.

but that doesn’t change the way i feel.

knowing & feeling are two totally & completely things.

even though i know that i am loved.

even though i know that i am good enough.

i don’t necessarily feel those things.

i’ve been here before.

& i don’t like this person i am becoming.

& yet, i seem unable to wake myself from this nightmare.

it’s like i’m on the outside, watching life pass me by.

i know i should be participating – but it’s just too hard, & it hurts too much.

falling-down-is-part-of-life

i’m scared. i just want someone to hold me, to tell me everything will be okay.

but when you push everyone away, when you make it hard for anyone to love you – there’s usually no one left.

so this is me – tying a knot, hanging on & holding tight, because i know the sun is going to come out tomorrow, or at least i hope it will.

 

 

 

46 comments
Kimberly
Kimberly

Hi Kelly, Wow, I read this post and thought to myself, "she sounds like I did when I had postpartum depression." Then I scrolled down and saw your previous post where you outed yourself. You are amazingly brave to do that. I suffered with my PPD for nearly 1 year before seeking help and finally started taking Zoloft. I wished I had gone to talk with someone sooner and wished I had tried therapy and such to help when the dark feelings had first crept in, but I was busy being "strong" for everyone else and kept putting on the "I'm fine" mask day after day. The Zoloft did wonders for me. About 2 weeks after beginning taking it I was driving home from work and I suddenly realized the hills were GREEN. I could see in color again and not just the hazy gray that had seemed to blanket my world for the previous 9 months. I wept with joy and realized that I was going to be okay after all. Thank you for sharing your honesty here as it will be incredibly helpful to other women who are afraid to ask for that much needed help, for fear that it means admitting that they are a "bad" mother. We all have our struggles as moms, but overcoming postpartum depression alone, does not have to be one of them. It is terrifying how many of us have or will trudge through that as mothers. I am sorry that you are there now and am glad you are sharing your journey as hard as it is. Reach out and you will find there are many great resources available on and offline to help with PPD. Wishing you a speedy recovery, and stay strong, that tiny light at the end of the tunnel will one day bright enough to overpower the darkness once again.

Dana
Dana

The timing of me reading this email came perfectly for me. It's a reminder of how I felt a few months back. I'm coming out the other side of where you are sliding and trust me the one true thing I really believe is the 'power of the spoken word'. The first thing you need to be aware of is your 'inner talk'. You are good enough - you're doing what you can and that's ok. And above all - never forget 'It will all be okay in the end....if it's not ok, it's not the end'. You'll get there. Keep positive and know people are thinking of you.

beth
beth

Just found your blog and enjoy reading it. I too have felt the way you describe. Perhaps there is comfort in knowing you are not alone. When I feel this way, I turn to Pinterest. lol. It makes me feel better because: it is window shopping at it's finest, from my couch in my pj's sipping hot chocolate, it gets my brain's creative juices flowing with lots of project ideas, words of motivation... etc. Remember on those bad days, it's just a bad day, not a bad life ;)

jodi
jodi

This is the first time I have been on your site. When I read this post, it was like you read my insides...and articulated it so well. I'm not sure how to feel different, but just reading your words, knowing someone out there understands those exact feelings, is somewhat healing in itself. Thank you. Feel better

Heffalump
Heffalump

You aren't the only one that feels that way. I think it's more common than anyone knows. Knowing other people feel it too doesn't always make you feel any less alone though. One thing that I notice helps me is to do small acts of service or kindnesses for others. Nothing earth shattering or that takes a huge amount of effort. Sometimes it is just as simple as sending someone an email, a facebook message or a card that says you appreciate them or encourages them in some way. Sometimes I just need to focus outside of my little closed off bubble. I hope you feel better soon. Sometimes faking it is all we can do until that feeling passes.

Peg
Peg

Thank you. You took the words straight out of my mouth. I hope you see sunshine soon. I appreciate the words of your readers and the suggestions of books to read. I will be looking these up.

marta
marta

kel, i am so sad to read this post. i am so sorry you feel this way and i really like how you described what you know versus what you feel. i know you struggle with depression, but you somehow always seem to come out stronger! you seem to have it all, do it all and with a big beautiful smile on your face. i can barely keep my house intact, and you are running marathons and enjoying the good sunny life of disneyland and beaches. i am inspired by the way you handle your business and your mothering. my two cents for you: you've gotta 'fake it til you make it.' just HAVE FAITH that things will get better, HAVE FAITH that you are loved, that you are GOOD ENOUGH. just keep strong and try to leap a little. HAVING FAITH is so much harder than it sounds. but i know it will help. i'm so so sorry you are so down and feel like crawling into a hole. i've felt sad in that way before and have wanted to sleep away months of my life. it sounds easier to sneak away than to keep on going and facing life and its responsibilities. but KNOW that God loves you and that you are his daughter. don't give in to the thoughts that you aren't good enough. you are. you are. you are. believe it. what would you tell your darling charlie if she had these feelings?? think of your advice for her and believe it for yourself. am hoping you feel better soon, kel. xo.

Katie
Katie

I'm feeling so overwhelmed and alone lately too, I also need to just grab that rope and hang on tight. You can hang in there and I am thinking of you.

Sarah
Sarah

Kelly, I've just started to follow your work after hearing your interview with Dimity and Sarah of Another Mother Runner, but I can already tell that you are amazing! I, too, have struggled with depression and I also feel that my core issue is that feeling of not being good enough. It's just occurred to me in the last week that before, I didn't even think was good enough to deserve the label as a fighter, but this year, after training for a half marathon (it's Sunday!), losing my dad, and feeling like I've been fighting for my marriage and to keep my children healthy emotionally, I deserve the label as a fighter. And so do you, no matter what you've been through. You are fighting to believe that you ARE good enough, and I pray that whatever the voice that tells you you're not, you can yell back to it that you ARE, and you'll continue to fight to believe in that goodness within yourself. Two recommendations: 8 Habits of Love (book) by Ed Bacon (LOVE IT!) and the song "The Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes. It will be playing in my mind Sunday morning as I run in memory of my dad and to fight against leukemia and lymphoma (he suffered from both and the leukemia killed him.) Blessings, my friend.

Vickie
Vickie

I agree.... you are SO SO SO much more than good enough. Wishing you peace in your heart and soul.....

Kim
Kim

Kelly - thank you for being so honest. Your words resonate with me on the deepest level. I have felt exactly that way for many months now. This week, I started reading a book by Beth Moore, So Long Insecurity, and her words (and the words of many other women!) have been so helpful. It is wonderful to know that I am not the only one who feels this way, and that there is a way to overcome.

elizabeth
elizabeth

What you just described is EXACTLY how I feel from time to time. I know I'm not a total failure, but I can't help but think I'm not good enough. Hope you find the sunshine soon :)

Gabriela - Living La Vida Normal
Gabriela - Living La Vida Normal

I have felt the same way many, many times. It always gets better... eventually. Sometimes it takes a long time but it always does. I'm in a similar place now and I know because of the previous times that it will get better. You are not alone. I hope it gets better for you very soon.

Kristen
Kristen

I can't tell you how many times I have FELT the same way. Sometimes the only thing that helps me is to let it all go.....I learned this in a yoga class. I cried and cried....That's when it dawned on me....when I was growing up I would cry and then everything felt better (to me) afterwords. Maybe you just need a good cry....and then a good dose of laughter....Feel what you feel. believe me, you are never alone. :)

Jocelyn
Jocelyn

KELLY - I hope you realize that even though you aren't feeling great right now, I look up to you. I think you are such a great role model, friend, person, mom, etc. And this post just makes me love and look up to you more. It makes you human. Everyone goes through periods of time like this - you are definitely not alone. Get help or whatever you need. Although it's easy to close off - DON'T. Let me know if you EVER need ANYTHING. LOVE YOU!!!!

kristine
kristine

Dear Kelly, I'm so happy that you were able to write that post while feeling the way you do. I've been there. Reach out to a friend who you can call on the phone and go see and have tea. Even if you feel like you've burned all your bridges reach out. Then call a therapist. Believe me I've been there. There is absolutely no reason you must suffer these feelings alone. Those feelings will pass but you can help them pass sooner and a professional can help you understand them in a way that will help those feelings to be smaller and smaller over time. Please know, we all go through this. Really. You are not alone.

Laura
Laura

You are so brave to be so honest with us readers, most of us who have never met you and probably never will. Thank you for this post. I have a quote that I have to repeat to myself often. I hope it helps a bit. I don't have the exact words and I don't know who said it, I think a General Authority, but here it is - it's something like this: "All the strength you will ever need is within you now. It was put there by your Creator who knew very well what you would face in life and made you equal to it." Lots of warm fuzzies coming to you from Oregon. :-)

Kristen
Kristen

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs!!!!

tiffany h.
tiffany h.

Kelly, I just found your blog and what an amazing post! I, too, have felt exactly as you've described. I think we all do at one time or another. I don't know you but I can tell you that you are enough. I just started reading with a group of girlfriends a great book about this very topic, You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth. (disclosure: it's a Christian based book.). I can't wait to start following you and reading more goodness like this entry!

Heidi @BananaBuzzbomb
Heidi @BananaBuzzbomb

Yargh! You are not only good enough, you're spectacular!! Keep on keeping on, flashing that bright smile that lifts my spirit every time I see it. Know that you are a rock star! xo

jolyn mullin
jolyn mullin

kelly, you're an inspiration to many many people...and especially me, your mom...you are a super woman! but, even super woman has to let it all hang out sometimes...just know how many people love you...especially your 3 darling children...and jeff...i love you sooooooo much.

Amy Anderson
Amy Anderson

You put into words what so many feel on a regular basis, including me. I'll be thinking about you, praying for you. You aren't alone.

Emily
Emily

Oh wow Kelly. I don't know what to say except you are such an inspiration to me and thanks for being so open and honest. I know how those doubts creep in and it can be so hard to dispel them. Hang in there!!

Karin
Karin

Oh Kelly, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's a feeling I know all too well, but you put it into words so much better than I have been able to. I hope your depression is short lived and you're back to your chipper self soon!

Sharon
Sharon

Wow, Kelly, I wish I had magic words to make you fell better! I have been there, when all you can do is cry. I used to cry in the shower, so no one would know. I am glad to see you reaching out; acknowledging your feelings is important. Please be kind to yourself... We can often be our own worst enemies. So what will you do different tomorrow? What little step will/can you do? It takes only one. We are all here with you.

Wendy
Wendy

As one of my friends always says...."Depression is a big fat liar and I want to kick it in the balls!" Hang on and just keep knowing you ARE more than enough until you feel it! Thank you for inspiring to get out there and run on many days when I am not "feeling it". Throw on a sparkle skirt and smile that fantastic smile of yours!

Camille
Camille

I have been dealing very similar feelings today. I know that I'm okay and I have every reason to be happy and confident but I have this emptiness and sadness that just won't go away. It helps to know that other people feel the same and I may not be crazy after all. We will get through this though. Blessing and love to you.

Julie
Julie

Dearest Friend, I thought I was supposed to be the crazy one? Seriously, you are a role model for me. I don't know how you do it all? Honestly, I don't know how I do it all. Ask my co-workers, I talk about "Kelly" all the time. You are like a mythical unicorn creature to them. But believe me, I understand with the husband, kids, priorities...it can all be overwhelming. Sometimes, I just want some down time too...but then I get bored. Honestly, this is our personality flaw, Type-A'ers...Unfortunately, we take it all on or nothing. But yes, we all have those days where we want to crawl in a hole or hide in a dark room. For instance, I hid in my bedroom all day yesterday and watched HGTV...totally conterproductive, but I feel so much better too... And seriously, as I cried on the grass on Sunday..."FAT people are not meant to run this far"....but for some reason, I do...because I have friends like you! Hugs! P.S. It is National Kelly Day, I bought a striped shirt to support the cause!

elizabeth
elizabeth

:( hugs. agree with Krissy. You are sooo much more. I hate that you are feeling this way and know you will get out soon. I look at you and am inspired every day by your positive outlook,happiness, and hard work. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel that way. And I know I can’t. Just know I am thinking of you. xo

Brandie
Brandie

Sorry about my grammatical errors. I'm typing on my phone:)

Brandie
Brandie

Thank you for being brutally honest. I think, as women, it helps to hear of someone with the same struggles. I recently told someone that I felt like I was failing in all aspects of my life and this much, older and well-spoken women simply aske me, "what are you comparing yourself too". So now when I feel like I'm failing, I ask "what am I comparing myself to".

Chris
Chris

Being at work I can't give you the full link, but do a search for "These Times" by SafetySuit. You'll be crying by the middle of the song, I promise, but you will feel much better!

Kerry
Kerry

What a powerful and honest post. I can tell you that I often get in these funks as well, and it can take a lot of effort to climb out. Sending positive thoughts your way. I know you're a runner - maybe a long run and some upbeat tunes can lift your spirits! Worth a try.

Lydia
Lydia

Boy do I relate to this! I'm sorry you are feeling it too. I never want to be "that person" so I always just put a smile on my face and "fake it" hoping some day I'll "make it." Hang in there!

Caroline
Caroline

you are right and they are right...you are good enough.. I also think you are so BRAVE. You typed these words. You did not hit the backspace or DEL button. You hit publish. I have been in the hole... I am not all in it now but I have the walls way up and I am in shut down mode because I don't know how to deal with my family's current situation. I know I should not be this way but I cannot help it. I don't answer the phone if my family or my friend call. I pretend like my husband is NOT here..it is not good. I hope the sun comes out for you...tomorrow and every other days that will come after that.

annabelle
annabelle

Kelly, just hold on and let God do his marvelous work, You are not alone, you are love and cared for. Just take one day at a time and one day you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. God bless

Barb
Barb

It's hard this life. The repetitive, never-ending treadmill of picking up after kids, doing laundry and cooking meals. The feeling of being unappreciated and not good enough. I think we all have to tie a knot sometimes... you're not alone in these feelings. And hopefully the ground is just a short hop away when you're ready to let go. Because you will be ready. Keep hanging on.

MissJennica
MissJennica

I totally agree that you are, of course, good enough...and so much more. This post was so courageous! If it helps at all, I don't even know you personally, and you inspire me all the time. And ps, if you have never read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, this may be a great time to do that! You can also look up her Ted talks. She is great!

Bari
Bari

((Hugs)) Like Krissy said, you are so much more than just "good enough". Hang in there, girl. If you need to, throw on some *sparkle*.

Jill
Jill

How fantastically honest.. Let it go and carry on.. Faith is your warm snuggly hug.. Get up, get moving, do the next right thing and everything will fall back into place.. Ha.. so easy to type, yes I myself will get out and do this now as well! Gonna start with some good eats for the family.. Take Care Kelly! It will all shake out in the end, find something positive within the introspective time and go forward with it.. For me I know it will take a couple days of faking it until I make it.. Some forced socialization with others and then moving on to help others and ask for help myself when I need it..

PatQ
PatQ

I get that way every October when it starts getting darker earlier. Since I've figured that out I seem to be able to handle it better. Just knowing that "this too shall pass".

Justin Loretz
Justin Loretz

Hang in there Kelly. Measurement of life and success by modern manners and means is always going to lead to a despairingly gloomy glass half full picture. Instead I picture my glass is permanently full to halfway - just with room to spare for more of life's milk when I choose to fill it. Let the sweet milk dictate who and what you are, not the glass size. Run, ride, kiss your kids and remember that you play a vital part in their world and those of your many friends. JL

krissy m. murphy
krissy m. murphy

No, Kelly, you ARE NOT "good enough....." YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE. xoxo

Sarah OUaL
Sarah OUaL

Thanks for putting all this into words so I didn't have to try. Right there with you girlfriend - hope you find your way out of the rabbit hole soon.

Katie
Katie

Oh Kelly...I don't know what to say except I know the feeling. You never know what's going to trigger it but you have to know that you ARE good enough. You are a wonderful person inside and out who takes life by the horns and runs with it. Literally You'll come out the other side stronger and more self aware.

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