not exactly a word that has ever been part of my vocabulary; not a word i ever thought i’d use to describe myself.
i’ve been lucky enough to blessed with beautiful, healthy, wild & crazy kids.
& yet, infertile is a label i now struggle with daily.
logically it seems silly.
i have children, THREE children.
& yet, recently i found myself waking up from surgery, completely alone in the recovery room, still groggy from the anesthesia, struggling to come to terms with what i had just been told…
“unfortunately, the damage was much worse than we had expected & the ‘worse case scenario’ that we had discussed became the only option. this means we ended up removing much more than we originally had planned, leaving you infertile.”
i’ve replayed that conversation literally hundreds of times.
even now, it’s hard to wrap my head around.
i guess i had never realized how much of my identity, my self-worth, is tied to my ability to bear children.
it’s not like i was planning on having any more children, because i wasn’t.
although, at least before, i had the option.
but having the ability to make that decision taken away from me has left me feeling broken, damaged & less of a woman.
and i’d be lying if i didn’t admit that my recent infertility has opened a flood-gate of emotions, as you can imagine.
suddenly, all of my insecurities, my feelings of loneliness and being unworthy, & of not being good enough have re-surfaced.
in my mind, i know that all this is crazy… that i am good enough.
but that doesn’t change the way i feel.
knowing & feeling are two totally & completely things.
you’d think loving myself would be easy. but these days it’s my biggest challenge.
although, believing that anyone else could possibly love me, is almost just as difficult.
but I’m working on it.
all i can do is take a deep breath, stop worrying about what might have been & focus on what can be.
one of the many things this entire experience has taught me – you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.
i just have to remember that i am braver than i believe, stronger than i seem, and smarter than I think (to paraphrase christopher robin).
although, some days that’s easier to do than others.