infertile

by @according2kelly on October 24, 2013

strongest-people-win-battles

infertile.

not exactly a word that has ever been part of my vocabulary; not a word i ever thought i’d use to describe myself.

i’ve been lucky enough to blessed with beautiful, healthy, wild & crazy kids.

& yet, infertile is a label i now struggle with daily.

logically it seems silly.

i have children, THREE children.

dealing with infertility

& yet, recently i found myself waking up from surgery, completely alone in the recovery room, still groggy from the anesthesia, struggling to come to terms with what i had just been told…

“unfortunately, the damage was much worse than we had expected & the ‘worse case scenario’ that we had discussed became the only option. this means we ended up removing much more than we originally had planned, leaving you infertile.”

i’ve replayed that conversation literally hundreds of times.

infertile.

infertile

even now, it’s hard to wrap my head around.

i guess i had never realized how much of my identity, my self-worth, is tied to my ability to bear children.

it’s not like i was planning on having any more children, because i wasn’t.

although, at least before, i had the option.

but having the ability to make that decision taken away from me has left me feeling broken, damaged & less of a woman.

every-day-is-a-new-beginning

and i’d be lying if i didn’t admit that my recent infertility has opened a flood-gate of emotions, as you can imagine.

suddenly, all of my insecurities, my feelings of loneliness and being unworthy, & of not being good enough have re-surfaced.

in my mind, i know that all this is crazy… that i am good enough.

but that doesn’t change the way i feel.

knowing & feeling are two totally & completely things.

sometimes separating fact & feelings is nearly impossible.love-yourself

you’d think loving myself would be easy. but these days it’s my biggest challenge.

although, believing that anyone else could possibly love me, is almost just as difficult.

but I’m working on it.

all i can do is take a deep breath, stop worrying about what might have been & focus on what can be.

one of the many things this entire experience has taught me – you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

i just have to remember that i am braver than i believe, stronger than i seem, and smarter than I think (to paraphrase christopher robin).

braver stronger smarter

although, some days that’s easier to do than others.

21 comments
makeandtakes
makeandtakes

Lady! So sorry. Not sure how I missed this post. You wrote it so well. I hate you're going through this. But you have to know how strong you are. You are constantly lifting us all up with your amazing self and inspiring words. Let that carry you through all this! Loves ya!

Mary
Mary

Kelly, I am really sorry to hear that. I will send you a private message through your "contact us". I hope you get it.

darby M
darby M

Kelly, i'm so sorry and my heart is heavy for you.  Hug those 3 beautiful babies of yours tight and find joy for your heart in them.  You are an awesome woman and so full of energy and life and fun.  Loving and accepting ourselves is so much harder for us to do than anyone else we come in contact with.  Know you have a friend in CO and i'm rooting for you and love being "insta friends" with you!  Hugs and Love... Darby

amomontherun
amomontherun

It's so hard when something that is such a huge part of who you are is taken from you, especially when it's not by choice.  You are most definitely a strong, brave, and smart lady.  I have no doubt that you will get through this and will be stronger, braver, and smarter for it.  Sending you lots of hugs and healing prayers, Kelly.  

Emily
Emily

Oh Kelly - my heart aches for you.  I was in a similar situation last year.  Going into surgery, I had to sign off on the potential for the worst case scenario (result being infertile).  In my case, it wasn't completely necessary, although it will be difficult (but not impossible) to have children.  Thank you for sharing your story as I have struggled with many of the same feelings.  Prayers and hugs to you!!

Eliza Jane
Eliza Jane

Oh sweetheart.  Big BIG hugs.  I can only imagine.  My friend's sister is infertile.  Her and her husband tried SO hard to have kids, and went through IVF and everything.  My friend says the most heartbreaking thing in his life has been watching his sister deal with her infertility.  Huge, HUGE hugs.

jolynm
jolynm

the reality of this is so hard...i'm so sorry for you...but, the blessing is your 3 wonderful, gorgeous, fantastic kids you have....you are so blessed to have them....things happen in life that aren't planned....we just have to deal with these surprises....but, i know you...you will deal in a fantastic way!....you will raise your beautiful kids to be beautiful adults....be grateful every day for what you have.... i know i am....cause i'm your mom....and when my going gets tough...i'm grateful that i have you in my life....love you!

tammy
tammy

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. My you find peace soon.

Meg
Meg

I believe you are one of the most amazing women I have 'met'. You have gorgeous children, a bubbly personality and are an inspiration to a number of people you might never know. I am one of those. I look to you and think that if someone can accomplish one of my goals, then it gives me the opportunity to dream I may one day. You are honest and even though I have never seen you interact with your children I could put my life on the line and tell you I know you are phenomenal mother. Although there are certain aspects of our lives and bodies make us 'feel' a certain way, know that how you are making other women feel by being open about your insecurities is without words for them.


I wish I could hug you....

know that someone, somewhere believes you are already more than you know. <3

lmcintire1104
lmcintire1104

I am a loss for words right now.  So I am just going to send hugs, prayers and good vibes your way!  I have always appreciated your sweet spirit and willingness to be open and vulnerable, which is what attracted me to your blog.

Guest
Guest

Love & Support,

 Little Piggy Husband

Victoria
Victoria

You are such a brave soul to share all with the world. You are an amazing and inspirational woman, never forget how many people you inspire each day and how we're here for you when you need a hand. (or a hug) xoxo

juliesfranklin
juliesfranklin

Sending you hugs.  I can relate to your words for different reasons. Truly a bummer when  insecurities rear their ugly head....  Stay strong, you motivate so many.  So sorry your heart is hurting.  Thanks for sharing this and words of encouragement too.  Peace to you always. 

hsb0372
hsb0372

Kelly I'm sending hugs to you.  I want you to know you are not alone though my story is a bit different, the end result is the same....we never know how we're going to react when we are unable to have children anymore.  

You are so much more than a mom and there is so much more than being a woman than the ability to have children.  You are an amazing woman and honestly when I think of you the best phrase I can use is a ray of sunshine.  Keep shining!!!  

FiddleDeeAsh
FiddleDeeAsh

OH, sweet Kelly. My heart breaks for you and I wish I could be there to give you hugs.  Your feelings are completely normal and valid.  Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  My mother had a similar situation about 15  years ago, and even though she was "done" having children, it still broke her to have the choice taken from her.  You are an amazing person and I know you'll come out on the other side of this stronger, and braver than before.  Sending love and prayers from across the miles.

jana09261
jana09261

Sending you so much love. Thank you for sharing your story. 

Kimberly
Kimberly

I'm glad you were brave to share your story.  


Running Hutch
Running Hutch

You are brave. Sharing your insecurities is brave! I'm sorry to hear you're battling these thoughts and feelings. You have such a bold and contagious light. I pray this struggle passes.

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