From the category archives:

motherhood uncensored

not good enough.

by @according2kelly on October 9, 2012

when-you-reach-the-end-of-your-ropelately i’ve been overwhelmed with a feeling of being “not good enough.”

to be honest, i’m not sure where the seed was originally planted, but slowly & surely, it’s crept like a weed into all aspects & areas of my life.

these days i find myself doubting, questioning & often times demoralizing myself.

& my only means of coping, is to do what i always do – shut down, push away, & build walls.

often times i feel so alone, so lonely.

& even though i realize that it’s completely self-imposed, i can’t seem to find my way out of this hole i seem to have dug myself in.

i feel like i’m slowly dying, from the inside out.

& yet, everyday i put a smile on my face, pretend that i’m okay, that all is well, & that “i’m fine.”

if-youre-going-through-hell-keep-going

logically speaking, in my mind, i know that all this is crazy… that i am good enough.

but that doesn’t change the way i feel.

knowing & feeling are two totally & completely things.

even though i know that i am loved.

even though i know that i am good enough.

i don’t necessarily feel those things.

i’ve been here before.

& i don’t like this person i am becoming.

& yet, i seem unable to wake myself from this nightmare.

it’s like i’m on the outside, watching life pass me by.

i know i should be participating – but it’s just too hard, & it hurts too much.

falling-down-is-part-of-life

i’m scared. i just want someone to hold me, to tell me everything will be okay.

but when you push everyone away, when you make it hard for anyone to love you – there’s usually no one left.

so this is me – tying a knot, hanging on & holding tight, because i know the sun is going to come out tomorrow, or at least i hope it will.

 

 

 

{ 46 comments }

coming out of the closet.

by @according2kelly on June 15, 2010

so… let’s start by acknowledging the elephant in the room. i’m going to do it quick & to the point – just like you would rip off a band aid.

hi, my name is kelly & i have postpartum depression.

if i had to venture a guess, i’m betting my big announcement doesn’t surprise anyone at all. in fact, you all probably saw it coming. but after 1 year, 1 month & 13 days, i figured it’s time i came out of the closet.

i’ve never claimed to be super-mom. & i’m the first to admit that i’m far from perfect. but once upon a time, i at least felt like i had life figured out. these days, ppd has definitely thrown a wrench in the well-oiled-machine, i once called my life… sending me into an out-of-control, downward spiral.

over the past year i have dug myself a hole so deep, sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever be able to climb back out. having a baby is supposed to be a joyous occasion… & it was.  it’s just the aftermath, i’m not so sure about. when i think about it, it’s actually kind of funny – i’m surrounded by the chaos of three young children every single day & yet i’ve never felt so alone. for the past year i’ve watched life happen as an observer, instead of an active participant. slowly but surely, i’ve managed to shut everyone out, & burn every bridge along the way. activities i used to love, hobbies i used to look forward to, now just seem like a burden. not to mention, these days i find myself totally & completely unmotivated, out-of-touch, & overwhelmed… i dread getting out of bed in the morning, & am constantly feeling like life has given up on me, or maybe i’m the one who has given up on life.

i’ve been living life in a deep, dark tunnel, constantly trying to reach that itty bitty light i see peeping through. the drugs have helped a bit (prescribed of course), taking the edge off & making the light a wee bit more obtainable. running has helped more. but, hopefully opening up, putting it all out there, & wearing my heart on my sleeve will be that final dose of reality i need. i’m slowly learning – i can’t do this on my own. over the past year i’ve managed to build a fortress around myself, an incredible thing that rivals the great wall of china. i can’t expect it to come down overnight can i? but, with a little help from my friends, perhaps this fortress of mine will come tumbling down.

wow. i’m feeling better already. let the healing begin.

image via anne taintor

{ 107 comments }

self-induced coma

by @according2kelly on April 12, 2010

hello world! have you missed me? because i’ve definitely missed you. but honestly, i wouldn’t be at all surprised at all, to learn that there’s no one out there reading anymore. when you run away & hide for weeks (ok, more like months) you tend to lose any friends you might have once had. but i have to say, my self-induced coma was a necessary evil.

haven’t you ever felt like you just needed to get away from it all? life in general was just overwhelming me, & i don’t do well under pressure. (anyone else have queen’s “under pressure” lyrics running through their mind right about now? mm ba ba de. um bum ba de. um bu bu bum da de. pressure. pushing down on me. pressing down on you no man ask for.) but, i’m back & ready for action… hopefully.  although, part of me would prefer to keep my head buried in the sand, but i’ve realized that’s no way to live life.  i’ve decided that it’s high time i stop being so independent. i may be the self-proclaimed queen of isolation (remember, my hubby does call me the ice princess), i’m slowly learning (& it’s literally taking me years!), that building a wall around myself, & refusing to let anyone in, just isn’t doing the trick.  as much as i want to appear strong, i’ve finally realized that maybe i shouldn’t be going through this thing on my own – seriously, where’s the fun in that? so, as of today, i’m breaking down the wall & letting you all in. it might be a long & painful process, because i’ve become a master wall builder over the years. but slowly & surely, i am going to start taking down these bricks & begin “talking things out.”

i’ve never been someone who is very good at talking. sure, i can shoot the breeze for hours,  gossip about who’s doing what, or pontificate about my theories of life. but, when it comes to me spilling my guts & using the f word (feelings)… that is one area of conversation that is definitely taboo. but, i’m turning over a new leaf. so here i am, ready to wear my heart (& feelings) on my sleeve.  although i have to admit i’m not ready for complete honesty – if you were to actually ask me HOW i’m doing, i’ll probably respond “fine,” even if i’m full of all kinds of turmoil on the inside. but that’s ok – this is all about the baby steps.

{ 12 comments }

cheaper than therapy.

by @according2kelly on November 4, 2009

it’s been one of those days, er weeks, okay… months. it feels good to say it out loud, let the healing process begin.

as much i wish i were, i’ve never claimed to be super mom, or to live a practically perfect life. that’s the stuff fairy tales are made of. & while i am living my own version of “happily ever after,” it’s definitely not disney material. but lately, things aren’t even close to being perfect, in fact, life seems to be utter chaos. these days, i’ve been fighting the blues, you might say i’ve been just a wee bit grumpy. i don’t know, maybe you can relate, or maybe you’ll think i’m completely off my rocker – but it feels as though i’m slowly drowning. i try not to let it show… that’s what i do, what i’ve always done. i like to build a wall or fortress around myself, slowly shutting out friends, family & the world – transforming myself into what jeffy lovingly calls the “ice princess.” sweet of him, huh? it’s the sad, but real, truth. i can feel it happening. so i’m trying hard to fight it. each and every day i wake up & try to put on a brave face. i try to think of all the things i’m grateful for, for all of the wonderful blessings and opportunities i have & have had throughout my life. and most days i manage to come out on top. but not lately.

if you know me, you may or may not have noticed a difference. maybe you’ve realized that i don’t call as much, that i’m not as “bubbly” as usual, or that i’m just not any fun to be around anymore. but, if you were to ask me about it, i probably brushed you off, or simply said “i’m fine.” but that’s just it, i’m not fine. but, i don’t really want to complain, & i definitely don’t want to talk about myself. yet here i am, doing both – complaining & talking about myself.

but, i’ve finally decided, instead of drowning in my own personal sea of sorrow, i’m going to “put it all out there.” i’m going to open myself up, think good thoughts, & hope the universe takes pity on me. either that, or maybe i’ll just move to austrailia – i hear the weather’s nice & maybe i’ll run into alexander, he knows what it’s like to have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day month. but don’t mind me, pretty soon this blog will be back to it’s regularly scheduled programming, that is if anyone is even reading it still. & if you do happen to still be reading, i hope i didn’t just scare you off.

image via here.

{ 1 comment }

the truth about motherhood.

by @according2kelly on July 9, 2009

going on month number two in little charlie’s life, i still find myself pretty much housebound. that’s right, i haven’t quite gotten the hang of taking three kids out on the town. & as much as i’d prefer to be crafting, holding my little baby, doesn’t leave much time for projects. so, these days i find myself watching lots of tv. did you happen to catch oprah’s the truth about motherhood episode? maybe it’s just the stage (of life) i’m in right now, but i swear the entire show was the extension of an on-going conversation playing inside my head. everything they said, i could totally relate to… “oprah is saluting moms everywhere and letting them know they have support. ‘we hear from mothers all the time who say they feel alone. they feel overwhelmed; they feel sometimes inadequate. and you say you’re afraid to admit the truth for fear of bing judge,” oprah says. ‘so today we’re creating a judgment-free zone, a sisterhood of motherhood where anything goes.”

when they said “the expectations we have on ourselves is completely unrealistic. this generation of women was raised to believe that we should and could do it all… and that list (of expectations) is so huge that we think if we can’t live up to that, then we’re not good moms.” i wanted to shout: AMEN! & i couldn’t agree more with the idea that “the one universal truth about motherhood seems to be that no one ever tells you what to really expect.” so, today, i too am “creating a judgment-free zone, a sisterhood of motherhood where anything goes”. & although i LOVE being a mom, (i really, really do!), sometimes, i wish i had been more prepared for motherhood, if you know what i mean. so, here are some of the truths about motherhood, that no one remembered to tell me. maybe someone else can benefit, or possibly at least relate…

* every woman doesn’t LOVE being prego. there definitely are some women who do, but i wasn’t one of them. i hated getting fat, i never had that “pregnancy glow”. all in all, pregnancy isn’t exactly my favorite stage in life.
* recovery AFTER the delivery can sometimes be harder, and worse, than the actual delivery. (i was put on bed rest for 6 weeks after i had gavin.)
* stay in the hospital as long as possible. you might be bored & lonely, but when you go home, you’re on your own. at least in the hospital you can call a nurse for help.
* i must not have paid very good attention during health class, because i did not realize i would bleed for weeks. (a bit personal, i know, but a truth about motherhood that i did not know.)
* breastfeeding might be natural, but it is definitely NOT easy & often times it can be painful
* hemorrhoids, ‘nuf said!
* your boobs will never be perfect again… they’ll get super huge (& probably painful while engorged), & then they’ll shrink down, practically becoming indentations.
* just because you carried the baby for nine months, doesn’t mean you can soothe & quiet them when they are screaming bloody murder, for hours & hours on end.
* sometimes, you’ll go days without showering. a pony tail will become your new ‘do, a hat your new best friend, & you can go hours without realizing you haven’t eaten anything.
* finding the energy & time to do all the things you “used” to do isn’t going to be easy
* sleeping more than 2 hours in a row should be considered a luxury
* getting the time & energy to clean the house, fold the laundry, or load the dishwasher will make you feel like you’ve won the lottery
* counting the number of wet & dirty diapers will become your new hobby
* you’ll find yourself thinking “of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It’s amazing how the day fills up. (especially when you are feeding the baby every 6 units!)”via about a boy.
* in the end, holding your little baby, seeing them smile, hearing them laugh… will make you forget everything else, as though it never happened, & make you willing to possibly, do it all over again.
edited to add:
* i always knew i was going to breastfeed, i just was never prepared for how much i could (and would) leak. i didn’t realize that i could soak through my shirt, even while wearing a nursing pad.
* i wasn’t prepared for being man-handled by everyone. i didn’t realize that i would also get used to totally strangers grabbing & “feeling up” my boobs.

so, your turn. what are some of the truths about motherhood that you wished someone had told you? what’s the real scoop on motherhood?

{ 4 comments }

i’m starting to develop a complex.

by @according2kelly on June 26, 2009

yes, i realize that i just had a baby. yes, i realize that she was my third baby. yes, i realize that my body isn’t just going to bounce back. these are all truths that i’ve accepted. however, i’m starting to develop just a bit of a complex, courtesy of my four year old gavin. case, or rather, cases in point…

* the day after i had charlie, the boys came to visit me in the hospital. at one point, i got up out of bed & immediately gavin said “oh good mom! you’re almost skinny again.”
* recently i bribed my kids with the promise of mickey d’s happy meals (yes, i am that mom). we were waiting in the drive thru, when gavin randomly announced “mom, you can’t eat mcdonald’s. it will make you fat.” funny thing is, he doesn’t think the rule applies to him.
* just yesterday, gavin was giving the babysitter a tour of our house. when he got to our office, where my bike is set up on the trainer, gavin told her “& this is the bike my mom has to ride to make her skinnier.”

if this keeps up, & gavin continues to be more concerned (than i am) about how skinny i am, i don’t know if i’ll have the nerve to get into a bathing suit this summer. personally, i’ve been pretty thrilled with my recovery, but gavin’s got me doubting myself. oh heavens!

{ 1 comment }

to school we go.

by @according2kelly on September 9, 2008

dear gavin,
twenty years from now, you probably won’t even remember today. however, i truly doubt i will ever be able to forget it. today was one of those “milestone moments” that will forever be etched in my memory, right up there with all of your other “firsts”. that’s right, today we embarked upon a new adventure. to be honest, it’s still hard to believe that you are actually starting pre-school, you just don’t seem old enough! it seems like only yesterday that you were just a tiny little baby, totally & completely dependent on me for everything & anything. but, here we are, just 3 short years later, & i’m kissing you on the cheek, patting your head & watching you walk into your new classroom all on your own. i guess it’s time for me to accept that you are now a big boy, or as you like to say “the man”.

it’s funny… i feel like i’ve been preparing for this day forever. we’ve gone back to school shopping, gotten a new lunchbox, & i busily prepared the “perfect” snack. as a family we celebrated with a “back-to-school” extravanganza (a la nie nie)… complete with homemade party banners, gourmet blue cheese burgers, broccoli mandarian orange salad, & a big ‘ole slice of “five minutes in heaven” cake. we released balloons, representing our hopes & dreams for this coming year. your dad gave you a special blessing last night, & the backpack (or in our case the “bucket”) fairy paid you a visit. but in all seriousness, most of this was probably just for me. you woke up this morning & didn’t even realize that anything was different or “special” about today. when i dropped you off at school today, you scurried off, without as much as a look back, almost like you had been doing it for years. and although i may have been impatiently waiting for the clock to strike 12, so i could pick you up, you actually looked disappointed when i said it was time to go home. (although you definitely perked up when I placed a celebratory glass of frrrozen hot chocolate in front of you.)

obviously, i don’t really need to worry anymore about how you are handling all this. you seem to be doing fine. hopefully i’ll adjust just as easily, & as quickly. so, i guess i’ll let you go back again on thursday, if you really want to. oh, & by the way, just in case you wondering…. the required hug & kiss are definitely not optional – even if your friends are looking.

xoxo, mom

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true-life confessions.

by @according2kelly on August 13, 2008

  • i never went to bed last night. i ended up working late into the night, by the time i was finished it was 4:30. knowing 2 hours of sleep would be worse for me than no sleep, i got dressed & went to the early morning spin class.
  • i have been a total slacker lately, when it comes to blog comments. so, please! if you’ve left me a comment lately, & i haven’t responded yet, don’t hate me, or think i’m ignoring you… i’m just being lazy.
  • i haven’t cooked dinner for the two weeks.
  • i haven’t gone to the grocery store in over three weeks.
  • sometime during the week i ran out of shampoo… i had already gone one day (or so) without washing my hair, so i needed to do something. the baby powder smelling puppy shampoo was the best thing i could come up with. you bet i used it, & my hair has never smelled better.
  • my mortgage went up $800 this month… that hurts.
  • i think i need a vacation.
  • i didn’t make it to the gym yesterday. instead i ate an entire bag of circus peanuts.
  • i spaced the zip code on my swap package, so it came back to me. so i ended up sending out my package a day late. opps!
  • i think i’ve officially “let myself go”. last week, i wore a hat nearly every day, & my mom asked me if i ever do anything with my hair other than the princess leia buns i’ve been sporting lately.
  • i’m still driving with my spare tire because i’m too lazy, & don’t want to spend the money, to get it fixed.
  • up until yesterday, i had been to the eye doctor for about 2 years. unable to get new contacts, i’ve just been stealing jeffy’s.
  • i hate the word moist & the taste, or lack of taste, of water.
  • i haven’t relapsed yet. that’s a good thing, i think…

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busy. busy. busy.

by @according2kelly on June 18, 2007

we had a fun-filled weekend: graduations, parties, shopping, hershey kiss shaped rice krispie treats, church, father’s day & even more parties. but now it’s monday morning, back to real life… the little munchkins are sick, AGAIN, the house looks like a hurricane hit it, suddenly got lots of work to do (for the job i get paid to do), & maybe, if i’m lucky, i’ll get to take a shower. so, that being said, i don’t know how much i’ll get to post today. but these magnets expressed perfectly how i am feeling. buy your own HERE.
hope you have a very happy monday!

{ 7 comments }

Mama said there’d be days like this

by @according2kelly on February 6, 2007


I don’t know how people do it! I’ve only got two kids, but somedays it just seems absolutely impossible to get anything done at all. As a stay at home mom, I’ve got three main responsibilities: take care of the kids, keep the house clean & make dinner. But there are definitely days when it feels like I would have to be “Super Mom” to accomplish all three of those tasks. Have you ever felt like this? Well, here are some tips I have gleaned from an article supposedly published in the magazine “Housekeeping Monthly” in 1955…

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
5. During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
6. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
7. Be happy to see him.
8. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
9. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
10. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
11. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
12. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
13. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
14. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
15. A good wife always knows her place.

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