From the category archives:

motherhood uncensored

mother’s day 2015

by @according2kelly on May 10, 2015

Screen Shot 2015-05-27 at 4.49.38 PM

 

i hate to shatter any images you might have had of me, but i’m far from perfect & i am definitely not super mom – or at least i never thought i was.

luckily, i’ve realized, my kids think differently. in their eyes I AM supermom…

feeling extremely lucky & incredibly grateful that these three call me “mom.” they encourage me each & every day to be the best person I can be.

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perfection isn’t the only option

by @according2kelly on February 13, 2015

you can do anything

i’m extremely good at letting feelings of being overwhelmed & inadequate take over. comparing myself to a list of expectations that are completely unrealistic.

i need to remember that perfection isn’t the only option. that i am a “work in progress.” that while i can most definitely do absolutely anything my little heart desires or dreams about, i simply can’t do everything. & that’s ok.

#BeAwesome#ChooseJoy #BeBrave

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MY chocolate milk

by @according2kelly on July 8, 2014

Screen shot 2014-08-08 at 8.20.23 PM

my kids think I buy chocolate milk for them, but to be perfectly honest, i buy it for me. best post-workout treat EVER. #myAfter #TeamRefuel #teamsparkle

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infertile

by @according2kelly on October 24, 2013

strongest-people-win-battles

infertile.

not exactly a word that has ever been part of my vocabulary; not a word i ever thought i’d use to describe myself.

i’ve been lucky enough to blessed with beautiful, healthy, wild & crazy kids.

& yet, infertile is a label i now struggle with daily.

logically it seems silly.

i have children, THREE children.

dealing with infertility

& yet, recently i found myself waking up from surgery, completely alone in the recovery room, still groggy from the anesthesia, struggling to come to terms with what i had just been told…

“unfortunately, the damage was much worse than we had expected & the ‘worse case scenario’ that we had discussed became the only option. this means we ended up removing much more than we originally had planned, leaving you infertile.”

i’ve replayed that conversation literally hundreds of times.

infertile.

infertile

even now, it’s hard to wrap my head around.

i guess i had never realized how much of my identity, my self-worth, is tied to my ability to bear children.

it’s not like i was planning on having any more children, because i wasn’t.

although, at least before, i had the option.

but having the ability to make that decision taken away from me has left me feeling broken, damaged & less of a woman.

every-day-is-a-new-beginning

and i’d be lying if i didn’t admit that my recent infertility has opened a flood-gate of emotions, as you can imagine.

suddenly, all of my insecurities, my feelings of loneliness and being unworthy, & of not being good enough have re-surfaced.

in my mind, i know that all this is crazy… that i am good enough.

but that doesn’t change the way i feel.

knowing & feeling are two totally & completely things.

sometimes separating fact & feelings is nearly impossible.love-yourself

you’d think loving myself would be easy. but these days it’s my biggest challenge.

although, believing that anyone else could possibly love me, is almost just as difficult.

but I’m working on it.

all i can do is take a deep breath, stop worrying about what might have been & focus on what can be.

one of the many things this entire experience has taught me – you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

i just have to remember that i am braver than i believe, stronger than i seem, and smarter than I think (to paraphrase christopher robin).

braver stronger smarter

although, some days that’s easier to do than others.

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not good enough.

by @according2kelly on October 9, 2012

when-you-reach-the-end-of-your-ropelately i’ve been overwhelmed with a feeling of being “not good enough.”

to be honest, i’m not sure where the seed was originally planted, but slowly & surely, it’s crept like a weed into all aspects & areas of my life.

these days i find myself doubting, questioning & often times demoralizing myself.

& my only means of coping, is to do what i always do – shut down, push away, & build walls.

often times i feel so alone, so lonely.

& even though i realize that it’s completely self-imposed, i can’t seem to find my way out of this hole i seem to have dug myself in.

i feel like i’m slowly dying, from the inside out.

& yet, everyday i put a smile on my face, pretend that i’m okay, that all is well, & that “i’m fine.”

if-youre-going-through-hell-keep-going

logically speaking, in my mind, i know that all this is crazy… that i am good enough.

but that doesn’t change the way i feel.

knowing & feeling are two totally & completely things.

even though i know that i am loved.

even though i know that i am good enough.

i don’t necessarily feel those things.

i’ve been here before.

& i don’t like this person i am becoming.

& yet, i seem unable to wake myself from this nightmare.

it’s like i’m on the outside, watching life pass me by.

i know i should be participating – but it’s just too hard, & it hurts too much.

falling-down-is-part-of-life

i’m scared. i just want someone to hold me, to tell me everything will be okay.

but when you push everyone away, when you make it hard for anyone to love you – there’s usually no one left.

so this is me – tying a knot, hanging on & holding tight, because i know the sun is going to come out tomorrow, or at least i hope it will.

 

 

 

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coming out of the closet.

by @according2kelly on June 15, 2010

so… let’s start by acknowledging the elephant in the room. i’m going to do it quick & to the point – just like you would rip off a band aid.

hi, my name is kelly & i have postpartum depression.

if i had to venture a guess, i’m betting my big announcement doesn’t surprise anyone at all. in fact, you all probably saw it coming. but after 1 year, 1 month & 13 days, i figured it’s time i came out of the closet.

i’ve never claimed to be super-mom. & i’m the first to admit that i’m far from perfect. but once upon a time, i at least felt like i had life figured out. these days, ppd has definitely thrown a wrench in the well-oiled-machine, i once called my life… sending me into an out-of-control, downward spiral.

over the past year i have dug myself a hole so deep, sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever be able to climb back out. having a baby is supposed to be a joyous occasion… & it was.  it’s just the aftermath, i’m not so sure about. when i think about it, it’s actually kind of funny – i’m surrounded by the chaos of three young children every single day & yet i’ve never felt so alone. for the past year i’ve watched life happen as an observer, instead of an active participant. slowly but surely, i’ve managed to shut everyone out, & burn every bridge along the way. activities i used to love, hobbies i used to look forward to, now just seem like a burden. not to mention, these days i find myself totally & completely unmotivated, out-of-touch, & overwhelmed… i dread getting out of bed in the morning, & am constantly feeling like life has given up on me, or maybe i’m the one who has given up on life.

i’ve been living life in a deep, dark tunnel, constantly trying to reach that itty bitty light i see peeping through. the drugs have helped a bit (prescribed of course), taking the edge off & making the light a wee bit more obtainable. running has helped more. but, hopefully opening up, putting it all out there, & wearing my heart on my sleeve will be that final dose of reality i need. i’m slowly learning – i can’t do this on my own. over the past year i’ve managed to build a fortress around myself, an incredible thing that rivals the great wall of china. i can’t expect it to come down overnight can i? but, with a little help from my friends, perhaps this fortress of mine will come tumbling down.

wow. i’m feeling better already. let the healing begin.

image via anne taintor

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self-induced coma

by @according2kelly on April 12, 2010

hello world! have you missed me? because i’ve definitely missed you. but honestly, i wouldn’t be at all surprised at all, to learn that there’s no one out there reading anymore. when you run away & hide for weeks (ok, more like months) you tend to lose any friends you might have once had. but i have to say, my self-induced coma was a necessary evil.

haven’t you ever felt like you just needed to get away from it all? life in general was just overwhelming me, & i don’t do well under pressure. (anyone else have queen’s “under pressure” lyrics running through their mind right about now? mm ba ba de. um bum ba de. um bu bu bum da de. pressure. pushing down on me. pressing down on you no man ask for.) but, i’m back & ready for action… hopefully.  although, part of me would prefer to keep my head buried in the sand, but i’ve realized that’s no way to live life.  i’ve decided that it’s high time i stop being so independent. i may be the self-proclaimed queen of isolation (remember, my hubby does call me the ice princess), i’m slowly learning (& it’s literally taking me years!), that building a wall around myself, & refusing to let anyone in, just isn’t doing the trick.  as much as i want to appear strong, i’ve finally realized that maybe i shouldn’t be going through this thing on my own – seriously, where’s the fun in that? so, as of today, i’m breaking down the wall & letting you all in. it might be a long & painful process, because i’ve become a master wall builder over the years. but slowly & surely, i am going to start taking down these bricks & begin “talking things out.”

i’ve never been someone who is very good at talking. sure, i can shoot the breeze for hours,  gossip about who’s doing what, or pontificate about my theories of life. but, when it comes to me spilling my guts & using the f word (feelings)… that is one area of conversation that is definitely taboo. but, i’m turning over a new leaf. so here i am, ready to wear my heart (& feelings) on my sleeve.  although i have to admit i’m not ready for complete honesty – if you were to actually ask me HOW i’m doing, i’ll probably respond “fine,” even if i’m full of all kinds of turmoil on the inside. but that’s ok – this is all about the baby steps.

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cheaper than therapy.

by @according2kelly on November 4, 2009

it’s been one of those days, er weeks, okay… months. it feels good to say it out loud, let the healing process begin.

as much i wish i were, i’ve never claimed to be super mom, or to live a practically perfect life. that’s the stuff fairy tales are made of. & while i am living my own version of “happily ever after,” it’s definitely not disney material. but lately, things aren’t even close to being perfect, in fact, life seems to be utter chaos. these days, i’ve been fighting the blues, you might say i’ve been just a wee bit grumpy. i don’t know, maybe you can relate, or maybe you’ll think i’m completely off my rocker – but it feels as though i’m slowly drowning. i try not to let it show… that’s what i do, what i’ve always done. i like to build a wall or fortress around myself, slowly shutting out friends, family & the world – transforming myself into what jeffy lovingly calls the “ice princess.” sweet of him, huh? it’s the sad, but real, truth. i can feel it happening. so i’m trying hard to fight it. each and every day i wake up & try to put on a brave face. i try to think of all the things i’m grateful for, for all of the wonderful blessings and opportunities i have & have had throughout my life. and most days i manage to come out on top. but not lately.

if you know me, you may or may not have noticed a difference. maybe you’ve realized that i don’t call as much, that i’m not as “bubbly” as usual, or that i’m just not any fun to be around anymore. but, if you were to ask me about it, i probably brushed you off, or simply said “i’m fine.” but that’s just it, i’m not fine. but, i don’t really want to complain, & i definitely don’t want to talk about myself. yet here i am, doing both – complaining & talking about myself.

but, i’ve finally decided, instead of drowning in my own personal sea of sorrow, i’m going to “put it all out there.” i’m going to open myself up, think good thoughts, & hope the universe takes pity on me. either that, or maybe i’ll just move to austrailia – i hear the weather’s nice & maybe i’ll run into alexander, he knows what it’s like to have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day month. but don’t mind me, pretty soon this blog will be back to it’s regularly scheduled programming, that is if anyone is even reading it still. & if you do happen to still be reading, i hope i didn’t just scare you off.

image via here.

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the truth about motherhood.

by @according2kelly on July 9, 2009

going on month number two in little charlie’s life, i still find myself pretty much housebound. that’s right, i haven’t quite gotten the hang of taking three kids out on the town. & as much as i’d prefer to be crafting, holding my little baby, doesn’t leave much time for projects. so, these days i find myself watching lots of tv. did you happen to catch oprah’s the truth about motherhood episode? maybe it’s just the stage (of life) i’m in right now, but i swear the entire show was the extension of an on-going conversation playing inside my head. everything they said, i could totally relate to… “oprah is saluting moms everywhere and letting them know they have support. ‘we hear from mothers all the time who say they feel alone. they feel overwhelmed; they feel sometimes inadequate. and you say you’re afraid to admit the truth for fear of bing judge,” oprah says. ‘so today we’re creating a judgment-free zone, a sisterhood of motherhood where anything goes.”

when they said “the expectations we have on ourselves is completely unrealistic. this generation of women was raised to believe that we should and could do it all… and that list (of expectations) is so huge that we think if we can’t live up to that, then we’re not good moms.” i wanted to shout: AMEN! & i couldn’t agree more with the idea that “the one universal truth about motherhood seems to be that no one ever tells you what to really expect.” so, today, i too am “creating a judgment-free zone, a sisterhood of motherhood where anything goes”. & although i LOVE being a mom, (i really, really do!), sometimes, i wish i had been more prepared for motherhood, if you know what i mean. so, here are some of the truths about motherhood, that no one remembered to tell me. maybe someone else can benefit, or possibly at least relate…

* every woman doesn’t LOVE being prego. there definitely are some women who do, but i wasn’t one of them. i hated getting fat, i never had that “pregnancy glow”. all in all, pregnancy isn’t exactly my favorite stage in life.
* recovery AFTER the delivery can sometimes be harder, and worse, than the actual delivery. (i was put on bed rest for 6 weeks after i had gavin.)
* stay in the hospital as long as possible. you might be bored & lonely, but when you go home, you’re on your own. at least in the hospital you can call a nurse for help.
* i must not have paid very good attention during health class, because i did not realize i would bleed for weeks. (a bit personal, i know, but a truth about motherhood that i did not know.)
* breastfeeding might be natural, but it is definitely NOT easy & often times it can be painful
* hemorrhoids, ‘nuf said!
* your boobs will never be perfect again… they’ll get super huge (& probably painful while engorged), & then they’ll shrink down, practically becoming indentations.
* just because you carried the baby for nine months, doesn’t mean you can soothe & quiet them when they are screaming bloody murder, for hours & hours on end.
* sometimes, you’ll go days without showering. a pony tail will become your new ‘do, a hat your new best friend, & you can go hours without realizing you haven’t eaten anything.
* finding the energy & time to do all the things you “used” to do isn’t going to be easy
* sleeping more than 2 hours in a row should be considered a luxury
* getting the time & energy to clean the house, fold the laundry, or load the dishwasher will make you feel like you’ve won the lottery
* counting the number of wet & dirty diapers will become your new hobby
* you’ll find yourself thinking “of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It’s amazing how the day fills up. (especially when you are feeding the baby every 6 units!)”via about a boy.
* in the end, holding your little baby, seeing them smile, hearing them laugh… will make you forget everything else, as though it never happened, & make you willing to possibly, do it all over again.
edited to add:
* i always knew i was going to breastfeed, i just was never prepared for how much i could (and would) leak. i didn’t realize that i could soak through my shirt, even while wearing a nursing pad.
* i wasn’t prepared for being man-handled by everyone. i didn’t realize that i would also get used to totally strangers grabbing & “feeling up” my boobs.

so, your turn. what are some of the truths about motherhood that you wished someone had told you? what’s the real scoop on motherhood?

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i’m starting to develop a complex.

by @according2kelly on June 26, 2009

yes, i realize that i just had a baby. yes, i realize that she was my third baby. yes, i realize that my body isn’t just going to bounce back. these are all truths that i’ve accepted. however, i’m starting to develop just a bit of a complex, courtesy of my four year old gavin. case, or rather, cases in point…

* the day after i had charlie, the boys came to visit me in the hospital. at one point, i got up out of bed & immediately gavin said “oh good mom! you’re almost skinny again.”
* recently i bribed my kids with the promise of mickey d’s happy meals (yes, i am that mom). we were waiting in the drive thru, when gavin randomly announced “mom, you can’t eat mcdonald’s. it will make you fat.” funny thing is, he doesn’t think the rule applies to him.
* just yesterday, gavin was giving the babysitter a tour of our house. when he got to our office, where my bike is set up on the trainer, gavin told her “& this is the bike my mom has to ride to make her skinnier.”

if this keeps up, & gavin continues to be more concerned (than i am) about how skinny i am, i don’t know if i’ll have the nerve to get into a bathing suit this summer. personally, i’ve been pretty thrilled with my recovery, but gavin’s got me doubting myself. oh heavens!

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