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rants and raves

cheaper than therapy.

by @according2kelly on November 4, 2009

it’s been one of those days, er weeks, okay… months. it feels good to say it out loud, let the healing process begin.

as much i wish i were, i’ve never claimed to be super mom, or to live a practically perfect life. that’s the stuff fairy tales are made of. & while i am living my own version of “happily ever after,” it’s definitely not disney material. but lately, things aren’t even close to being perfect, in fact, life seems to be utter chaos. these days, i’ve been fighting the blues, you might say i’ve been just a wee bit grumpy. i don’t know, maybe you can relate, or maybe you’ll think i’m completely off my rocker – but it feels as though i’m slowly drowning. i try not to let it show… that’s what i do, what i’ve always done. i like to build a wall or fortress around myself, slowly shutting out friends, family & the world – transforming myself into what jeffy lovingly calls the “ice princess.” sweet of him, huh? it’s the sad, but real, truth. i can feel it happening. so i’m trying hard to fight it. each and every day i wake up & try to put on a brave face. i try to think of all the things i’m grateful for, for all of the wonderful blessings and opportunities i have & have had throughout my life. and most days i manage to come out on top. but not lately.

if you know me, you may or may not have noticed a difference. maybe you’ve realized that i don’t call as much, that i’m not as “bubbly” as usual, or that i’m just not any fun to be around anymore. but, if you were to ask me about it, i probably brushed you off, or simply said “i’m fine.” but that’s just it, i’m not fine. but, i don’t really want to complain, & i definitely don’t want to talk about myself. yet here i am, doing both – complaining & talking about myself.

but, i’ve finally decided, instead of drowning in my own personal sea of sorrow, i’m going to “put it all out there.” i’m going to open myself up, think good thoughts, & hope the universe takes pity on me. either that, or maybe i’ll just move to austrailia – i hear the weather’s nice & maybe i’ll run into alexander, he knows what it’s like to have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day month. but don’t mind me, pretty soon this blog will be back to it’s regularly scheduled programming, that is if anyone is even reading it still. & if you do happen to still be reading, i hope i didn’t just scare you off.

image via here.

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maybe it’s not meant to be.

by @according2kelly on November 26, 2007

awhile back, i posted about the frustrations of waking up for an early morning (5:30 am) spin class, only to be denied because the class was already full. i don’t know why it took me so long to get the courage needed to try again… maybe because i am scared of rejection? perhaps because i was embarrassed because last time i turned around & walked straight out of the gym (tail between my legs)? or maybe it’s just because i’m lazy. whatever the reason, & it may have taken a couple of months, but last night i finally decided to give it a go again. so, taking after the big guy in the fluffy red suit, i made a list & checked it twice.

  • name already on the list (so i don’t have to worry about being denied), CHECK
  • shoes out & ready at the door, CHECK
  • towel, CHECK
  • clothes ready, CHECK
  • alarm set for 4:45 am, CHECK
  • alarm turned ON… opps!

yep! i set the alarm & forgot to actually turn in ON. duh, blonde one! now i’ll probably be banned from putting my name on the “list” ever again. is this ever going to work out? on the plus side… i did get to enjoy an early morning run sans children. the sun peaking out above the mountains, the cool, crisp air against my cheek & the opportunity to bundle up & really RUN, almost made up for my mistake.

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just a touch early for me.

by @according2kelly on November 15, 2007

okay, i get that to the retail world thanksgiving & christmas are basically one holiday. i’ve even heard it called “falliday”. which is in & of itself, is a bit annoying, for me personally. there are basically just three holidays i decorate for: halloween, thanksgiving & christmas. & to be honest, the only reason i really decorate at all for thanksgiving, is because all i have to do is take down the witches & goblins, leave up the pumpkins from halloween & i’m set. but i do enjoy the lead up to christmas. & i like the fact that christmas has totally different decorations. i can finally put away the orange pumpkins & break out the red decor (which by the way is my favorite color.) so, you can imagine my frustrations when i walk into target the day after halloween to find the store itself decorated for christmas… not totally decorated mind you, but well on it’s way. yet, i’ve learned to deal with the fact that stores & my tv commercials are ready for christmas, it’s just a fact of life. but i do have a problem, when my neighbor’s put up their christmas lights & actually turn them ON, well before thanksgiving has even happened! am i being a total scrooge?

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i’m almost off the soap box.

by @according2kelly on August 14, 2007

i’ve been up on the soap box alot lately. i don’t know, maybe you hadn’t even noticed. but, i feel like i’ve been doing a lot of ranting & speculating on life. i think i’m almost done, at least for the time being. but i’ve got all of these thoughts, swimming inside my head, and this is one of the few places i can let it all out. which is exactly what i need to do today.

usually i am like an emotional fortress, i try very hard, to not let anything phase me. it’s kind of a sad joke in our family actually… we tell people we don’t have emotions. in fact, when jeff met me, his private nick name for me was the “ice princess.” i don’t do it on purpose. actually, that’s a total lie. i do do it on purpose. in my experience it tends to be easier for me to keep my feelings and emotions tied up neatly inside, rather than wear them on my sleeve for the world to see. but yesterday, that brick wall that i have so patiently built up around myself cracked. there i was, standing at a microphone in front of hundreds of people, speaking… generally i am very well composed person. generally i can talk in front of large groups without much issue. generally i am very comfortable in situations like this. yet yesterday, i immediately broke down in tears. i don’t know why. okay, that’s another lie. i do know why, but i hate the reason. this was the second time in my short life (remember we have already established several posts ago how young i am!) that i have had to stand and speak at a funeral. trust me, it is definitely not my favorite thing in the world. and although it was a wonderful forum to celebrate the wonderful and incredible life of my uncle bug, i can’t help but be angry that yet another person i love has been taken from this earth. okay, okay, you caught me again! that’s another lie. he wasn’t really “taken from this earth,” he has simply joined my dad on that annoyingly long business trip that has prevented him from coming home for weddings, birhthdays and christmas over the last several years.

all i can do now is focus on the amazing life uncle bug led. he was the type of person that you could meet just once, yet he would leave an impression that would last a lifetime. he was adventurous and fun loving. always loved a good joke or prank & he was probably one of the greatest BSers that ever lived. he was also incredibly kind, loving and compassionate. he was one of the most generous people i have ever known & would literally give you the shirt off his back. he lived his life by the simple motto “life’s too short.” and so today i challenge you, to really look at your life. make a mental note of the person you want to be and the life you want to live and go after it. in the words of alred souza:

Dance as though no one is watching you. Love as though you have never been hurt before. Sing as though no one can hear you. Live as though heaven is on earth.

you better get going… remember, life’s too short!

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cheaper than therapy…

by @according2kelly on August 9, 2007

throughout my entire life, but especially lately, i am reminded how precious this life is. often times my happiness seems to get caught up in the “whens” and “ifs” of life: i will be happy when…, or my life will be complete if… on such occasions i like to remember the words of gordon b. hinckley:

anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. the fact is that most putts don’t drop. most beef is tough. most children grow up to be just ordinary people. most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration.most jobs are more often dull than otherwise…

life is like an old-time rail journey – delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. the trick is the thank the lord for letting you have the ride.

what i need to do, what we all need to do, is really ENJOY the ride. i want to stop worrying about the little things in life and start living as though everyday were a special occasion… i want to use my good china for no reason, get gussied up to go to the grocery store, forget about the laundry to spend a little more time with the kids & live with no regrets. i want to remember that:

life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.

now you probably didn’t need to hear any of this, but i needed to express it. i needed to take stock of my life, my situation, and be grateful. i needed to remember that every day, every hour, every minute we have here is special.

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so, exactly how old do i look?

by @according2kelly on August 7, 2007

if you were to ask, which you haven’t, but i’ll tell you anyways, i think i look young. probably because i am young, or at least i think i’m young, but also because i feel young and because i dress young – i dress pretty similar to my 18-year old sister. (i still haven’t decided if that is a good thing or a bad thing.) anyway, on with my story. so last week i was feeling pretty good about myself. on 2 separate occasions i was told how young i look and that i definitely don’t look like i have 2 kids! the first person was the cashier at the gas station… he swore he knew me from high school. we were chatting and he kept asking me if i was sure i didn’t know him. finally he asked how old i was, when i replied “29″ he was blown away. nice little confidence booster. the second time i was in the bike shop looking for a trailer. the sales girl, who was probably about 18 herself, and i were discussing the different trailers. i told her i needed one that would hold two kids, and she just stared. kinda stuttering she repeated me: “two kids?” then she said “there is no way you have 2 kids. how old are you? i would have sworn you were 20.” let’s just say i left that store very happy & with a very nice bike trailer.

so that was saturday. the next day at church i was feeling pretty good. i had a cute outfit going, my hair was looking good and i was feeling young! i was talking to another gal who is home for the summer. she and her hubby live in Provo while he finishes up his last little bit of school. she’s a couple of years younger than me, but definitely no more than 5. after i walked away a little girl (who is probably about 11) came up to me and asked “is she your daughter?” totally stunned, it was my turn to stare. pointing to my friend i asked the little girl “you want to know if she’s MY daughter?” of course she replied “yes, she looks just like you.” i just kinda laughed and walked away.

i realize she is like 11 years old. i also realize that she probably thought she was my daughter because we are both blonde… but seriously, do i really look old enough to have a 25 year daughter?

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oh the frustrations!

by @according2kelly on August 6, 2007

just a little rant, to let off some steam… you know the old saying “today is the first day of the rest of your life.” anyway, new schedule, new plan of action, new me. first on the list: exercise. i had this brilliant idea… wake up early and go to the 5:30 am spin class. after hitting the snooze 3 times, i finally drag myself out of bed & get to the gym. big smiles for the guy at the front because i’m pretty thrilled with myself… it’s 5:30 am and i’ve actually made it to the gym. he scans my card and i pleasantly ask if i need a number for the class. “nope” he replies, “it’s all full up.” what? people other than me actually get up at 5:30 to go to a spin class. i slowly walk back to the locker room in a daze. what i should do now? no problem… i’ll just run on the tread mill, or ride a bike. it’s not until i get to the locker room that i realize neither of those things would be happening. i had worn my flip flops to the gym with every intention on changing into my cycling shoes. i can’t run in flip flops & the normal exercise bikes don’t have clips. now feeling totally dumb, and a bit embarrassed, i realize i still have to leave. hopefully the guy at the desk didn’t notice me slipping out the door. now the question is, how early do i have to get up to get a place in the class.

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aaahhh!

by @according2kelly on June 27, 2007

i need to vent. my sewing machine just died. mid-project, it decided to break. actually, it is stuck sewing in reverse. i can probably get it fixed… but i was so close to finishing my little project & i so looking forward to using my little project this weekend. now i have to pack up the sewing machine & drive who knows where. hopefully it’s a quick fix. is that just wishful thinking?

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